How common is this scenario now. You’re waiting in line at the grocery store, stuck behind the lady who’s just found a the rest of the Count of Monte Cristo’s treasure in her couch, and is poignantly counting out ever last desperate penny to hit the grand total of $16.73 all the while complaining that bananas never used to cost so much and you lift your eyes, trying to blink out the murderous rage, when suddenly you’re assaulted. Visually assaulted. There’s not a check-out kiosk in North America that isn’t riddled with the ridiculous wallpapering detailing the breaking news of Bradgelina, or Angelpit, or Jeniben or PariMichDr.PhilTitoSantanasburg burning their latest breaking news in your ridiculous face.

 

What the hell has happened to us? Granted the lives of celebrities have been the topic of popular discussion since the first caveman porn star. Let’s face it, we all remember the mighty meat-club of Fred Hardstone. And while there are interesting and famous people out there, there will be people who are stupid enough to pay to learn about what those famous people are up to. (more about them later). But seriously, We’re being literally assaulted, and it’s only getting worse and more frequent.

 

How cozy have our lives become that we have NOTHING else to worry about other than if that chick Paris Hilton used to hang out with is getting skinnier, or if Lohan is getting fatter, or how many kids Angelina has adopted? Aren’t there more terrifying, important and reasonable topics for us to discuss? I’m sure there are. But we don’t want to hear about them…and no one shoves those topics in our faces as much as people magazine and all it’s clones shove. How wonderful would our world be if instead of every magazine at the rack reading “BRAD AND JENNIFER: The relationship, as reported by Brad’s second cousin’s accountant’s best friend’s neighbour” you were pushed with “HAPPINESS: We’re all seeming to get along.” Or “EXERCISE: You need it, go get it now.” Or “STOP WHINING: Life isn’t so bad nor terrifying”. My city changed it’s recycling policy. It calls for end users to ensure that all cardboard is broken down, tied with twine, assembled no larger than 18”x18”x7cm. (no shit, that’s Canada’s metric system at its best…more about that later) The citizens of my hometown were told this news via a business card sized ad in the local paper. One printing, on a Thursday. Everyone in my neighborhood was quite confused as to why each Monday, our recycling was left on our front lawns with little more than an “F-U” written on the sides of our blue boxes to explain why the stuff hadn’t been taken away. Hell, Canada is experiencing it’s warmest winter on record, and no information is readily available, however, I couldn’t throw a puppy without hitting some scrap of per tent information as to what Britney had for breakfast a week ago, 50 ways to please my man, 25 makeup tips for people who fly south for the winter or how many different pills people assume Courtney Love is on. I don’t have a lot of time, I’m a busy man, and the last thing I freakin’ need in a day is to know if a sasquatch prostitute is really going to invade my home. I can’t remember where I left my keys half the time but I can tell you that Paris isn’t talking to Britney anymore.

 

It’s not just in print either. WE get celeb sleaze on TV and the net too. ET tonight is the most ridiculous program EVER MADE. There’s nothing like watching some willowy anorexic turn her freshly sculpted plastic nose up at Lindsay’s eating disorder, Kidman’s latest botox injection or Angelina’s recent attempt at charity (seriously, she adopted a kid from a 3^rd world country, we should be singing her praises, not mocking her for giving a damn). The volume on these shows always seem to go up through the TV, like a commercial, as they pretend to be bringing you important news. What sucks ass is the fact that they present everything in the most ridiculously negative light that they can. Let’s all band together and shun Britney Spears for drinking wildly, getting a tattoo, and shaving her head. Shit yeah, she’s retarded…oh wait, I love to drink, I have a tattoo, and I used to shave my head. Not that it applies to me, but hell people… the girl needs help! We should be concerned with her state of mental health, and we should see the story in a light that shows compassion and desire for action to better her situation. Regardless if we the people could do anything about it or not. And what does it accomplish? These sleaze jockeys just dish it out, and we keep swallowing it like a fat girl at a “5 minutes in the closet” party. We eat up the dirt and beg for more, and does it affect the end product? Will Brad Pitt suddenly not be able to get a role in a movie, or sell tickets to any of his movies? Shit no, in fact rating and approvals will go up. Which in turn will put more money in the celebrities’ already engorged wallets and give them cause to go stir up another scandal.

 

The part that gets me is this... People revere celebrities because they bring us together, they can do something we can’t, they live a life we think we’d love to live, they are our chosen champions. Kings among men. These sleaze magazines and tv shows aim to degrade the celebrity so that we think “hey, I’m better than Paris Hilton” or “I’m more faithful than Brad Pitt” or “I can eat more than Lindsay Lohan”. Which is reveling in the land of the bleak, negative dark regions of our minds. For the most part, celebrities work hard for what they get, and they should be honoured for that. We as a culture really need to reassess what’s important to us, it’s not this…because celebrity sleaze sucks ass.